A few months ago, I joined a conversation group which discusses Middle East issues and at the start of each meeting, each person introduces themselves. Usually people simply say their first name and where they work, but I always add that I lived in Oman for 19 years. At the last meeting, someone asked me about my time in Oman and as I was answering, I realized that I always mention Oman because I am hoping that one day someone will say, “Oh, I work with an Omani” or “My neighbor is Omani!” and I might be able to meet someone from Oman.

And in thinking through that, I realized this will probably not happen, and I might never have another face-to face conversation with someone from the qara tribes. That’s devastating for several reasons; one is that it took years to learn how to have a proper Omani conversation and now I might not have one again.

To me, the hallmarks of Dhofari conversations are issues pertaining to time.

First of all, conversations are rarely arranged ahead of time – perhaps you might make a plan in the morning to meet in the evening, but usually you plan between 5 minutes and 1 hour ahead. I would get a message from the research guys, “are you free?” and if I said “yes,” the answer was usually “I am in the parking lot” or “I will come in 10 minutes.”

The second issue is that meeting friends usually involves more than 5 hours of talking. In the States, meeting up with friends for coffee is usually 1-2 hours. Longer meetings often involves alcohol (going out for the night), computer games, sports or artistic events, etc.; these are fun activities but are not set up for long, sustained story-telling.

Third, Dhofaris can banter but they can also launch into a 45-minute monolog, and everyone will listen carefully without interruption. Dhofaris pay attention and remember what is said as they are accustomed to learning through hearing stories. When you lay out the background of an topic, they will remember so if, two months or two years later, you want to talk about the same topic, you can just mention it and they will mentally pull up all the data. There is no need to repeat anything you have said about your family tree, previous jobs, neighbors, food preferences, where you live(d), etc.; that information is safely stored.

I take advantage of this trait when I am doing research. A story I heard years ago from one of the research guys is pertinent to the project I am working on now, so I left him a message and asked him if he remembered it. Of course he did, as well as where we were when he told me and who else was in the car. Then he retold me the same story.

Lastly, conversations with the research guys and female friends followed pretty clear conventions:

• no complaining (I violate this one, the research guys never do)
• no looking at your phone (unless you get a message, need to check to make sure it is not your mom who needs something)
• no talking about yourself unless it is an amusing story in which you did something stupid or you were in a funny situation
• no bragging in any form, e.g., you can’t mention all the things that you have to do (i.e. how “busy” you are) or anything positive you have done
• no discussing
  • people you know who aren’t with you
  • work/ people at work (I violate this one, the research guys never do)
  • your immediate family or relatives (except you MUST ask about everyone’s parents!)
  • national politics (local elections and world events are ok)
  • sports
  • tv shows or movies
  • celebrities

This leaves you with:

• weather
• religion
• dumb things that you have done
• fishing
• humorous stories
• interesting stories from the past

The result is a group of people who are actively trying to be entertaining and who are used to listening/ taking turns telling stories for many hours. Specifically, the emphasis is always, always on good behavior. If I complained (usually about work) the advice was always to improve myself. When pushed, the research guys might admit that I was in the right or that X person was a twit, but the correct behavior was for me to be patient and to “hold myself.

No Omani ever told me, “Wow – what a jerk! Slap him!” It was always “be strong” and “don’t let someone think that they can bother you.” This could be really annoying, but it in the long term, it made me infinitesimally more like them – calmer, quieter, more watchful.

I miss stories.

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