Category: Essays

(photograph by Onaiza Shaikh)

When the publisher of my forthcoming book about marriage in Dhofar, Oman asked for a short article about my book to put on their webpage, I didn’t know what to write [ blog.anthempress.com/2026/04/17/marriage-and-peace/ ]. In literature, marriage is the ending for comedies, but the Arabian Peninsula and Arabian/ Persian Gulf are now enveloped in tragedies. It feels wrong to be writing about joy in the midst of such grief. But perhaps that is the point: hoping for the return of joy by remembering and explaining that joy when everything is bleak, like Samwise talking about the Shire when he and Frodo are on Mount Doom.

As I was writing the book, I focused on trying to accurately describe the information I knew connected to marriages of Dhofari Omanis and the stories I heard. It was only later I realized that, in focusing on being exact, I didn’t talk about how wonderful it is to attend women’s wedding parties.

An ethnographer is supposed to participate, understand, record, interpret and, if need be, replicate. Maybe there is fun along the way, but I don’t remember reading in any of the anthropology texts about the Arabian Peninsula: I had such a blast at the party, I want to go one every week!*

But I told the research guys that, for me, a perfect month meant two weekends camping, one weekend at home and one weekend with a woman’s wedding party. They rolled their eyes. The research guys are always glad when a brother, cousin, friend or colleague is getting married, but their wedding parties are not very relaxing. First of all, men usually need to give money, which means budgeting finds to make sure there is enough to give (see Risse 2015). Women only give gifts to very close female friends and relatives. If a woman does not work, other women will pay her share.

Second, Dhofari men have wider circles of acquaintances whose wedding they need to attend. Men are usually expected to appear at the wedding of all cousins (which can be mean 50 or more people), aunts and uncles (who might be younger than him), neighbors and friends. Both brothers and sisters gather to figure out who will go to which wedding parties on any given weekend but men often end up with 5 to 15 parties on one weekend, while women will attend one. For example, if a set of brothers and sisters have 6 close relatives who will marry in one weekend, all brothers usually go to all 6 male wedding parties and each sister would go to one of the brides’ parties. The brothers figure out the order in which they will visit the parties; the sisters will divide the parties between them.

If a man works in an office with ten men, he will often go to the party if any of the men, or their sons, marry. If a Dhofari woman works with ten other women, they will often be a party in the office (sometimes subsidized by the company or each women bringing one item), but not the expectation that all women will attend each other’s weddings.

Men only need to stay at the party for 15-30 minutes, but given that the events might be in 4 different towns, they can spend from 9am until 2pm on a Saturday driving and visiting. Plus the ‘system’ of every party is the same so there is almost no variation. Every man is in a clean dishdash; there is tea and coffee to drink, rice and meat to eat.

Also men need to make sure they comport themselves carefully when they are in public: recognizing and greeting each other, appearing serious, speaking well and listening to elders. A wedding party can be a chance to catch-up and chat, but there are so many people around, it’s not wise to have private conversations. I always think of men at gatherings as being at ‘parade rest’ in that men are never really relaxed. A good man in public is always looking about him, noticing who is there, who is talking to who, etc. Only with their own group, men he has known for years if not decades, can men let down their guard.

But Dhofari female wedding parties are fun. If it is at the bride’s house, there are plenty of women to share the work. I have gone to several in which I was invited by a sister of the bride, who was busy ten minutes an hour or so; the rest of the time she chatted with me or greeted other guests.

All women walk around and greet all the other women when they arrive, so you know who is there and it’s fine to ask someone as you shake their hand, “who are you?” or introduce yourself. Everyone is happy, chatting and (oh so important!) wearing what they want. Some women go all out with the make-up, jewelry, fabulous up-do and a dress that reflects hours of work getting the right fabric, the right design and the right trim. Or you can show up in a cotton dhobe (loose housedress) and a bare face. Sisters of the bride and groom and a woman who was recently married often need to be in fancy clothes, but there is lee-way for a woman who doesn’t want to have an elaborate presentation.

So you show up in a long, loose dress; get warmly greeted; choose what to drink from trays of coffee, tea and juice that are offered; and sit surrounded by girls and women in colorful dresses. There’s lots of perfumes, lots of finger-food, dancing and plenty of time to chat, but you can also pull out your phone and tune out for awhile. What’s not to love? (Well maybe if you are allergic to perfumes…)

The first one wedding I attended was a little awkward. I didn’t know the bride that well and I was with several other ex-pats; none of us knew what to do. And I left one wedding party early because the person who invited me wasn’t there and women were unfriendly. But the other 17 parties were wonderful.

I have many happy memories of chatting with good friends and laughing with new acquaintances. I was always asked if I was married and sometimes when I said no, women would offer to marry me to their husband. So we would run with that joke for a hour, me asking how much money I would get as dowery, if I would get my own house, etc. or we would talk about where I worked, or they would explain who all the other women were. It was all relaxed and, as one friend said, “no protocols.” If you needed to leave early, you left. If you didn’t want to eat, as long as you had a token amount of food on a plate in front on you, you could avoid pressure from your hostess.

Sitting in a bright pink velvet dress festooned with rhinestones, which had been sprayed with glitter perfume, an armful of colored bangles and bare feet, I was as happy as a clam. I don’t think I will ever have an occasion in the States to wear that many sparkles.

At picnics with the research guys, I was in drab-colored loose pants and long tunic, no make-up and no perfume but the feeling was similar. For the people in the hakli (also referred to as qara) groups of tribes I do research with, communal events means people working to create a positive atmosphere. The goal is always no drama. If you have a bad day or are in the middle of a personal tragedy, you do your best not to show it.

I have written about how this emphasis on staying positive is sometimes not seen as work by non-Omanis, but if you have ever had to attend a celebration in the midst of a personal struggle, you know how difficult it is. I joke that there is no TMI or over-share in Dhofar as the people I know keep their emotions in check. My male and female friends are in their 30s, 40s and 50s so self-control is of paramount importance.

I am happy to announce that my new book is now available for pre-order: Ethnographic Reflections on Marriage in Dhofar, Oman

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Frankincense in Dhofar, Oman

Risse, M. “Generosity, Gift-giving and Gift-avoiding in Southern Oman,” Proceedings of the Seminar for Arabian Studies 45 (Oxford: Archeopress) 2015: 289-296.

* Some of the accounts about Yemen had a little of that attitude, especially about qat chews but there was always a need for justification. Qat fields take up water that could be used for growing food and fodder and explaining that sitting around and chatting for many hours every day is a necessary part of life can mean sidestepping the issue of what structures and supports are in place that allow for certain groups to spend every afternoon and evening relaxing.