I often talk about how it is important in Dhofar to project calm at all times.* The need to always be peaceful can create puzzling situations. Recently an Omani friend asked me to provide some specific information that I don’t have access to. When I told the person that, they responded by telling me that they already had the information.

To an outsider, that might seem like a confusing statement, why did the Omani ask me for information they already had? From a Dhofari perspective, the person wanted my input, but when I said I could not help, they needed to reassert their autonomy and to make the “weather calm” between us. They did not want to appear to be in need to help, nor did they want me to be worried. Whether they have the information or not (and when they received it), is not the point. Keeping our friendship on an even keel is the point.

I try to go along with this POV as much as I could but it is often difficult. An Omani who did what they could to destroy my career, insisted on coming up to me to say “hello” and ask how I was whenever they saw me. The juxtaposition between their private cruelty and public smiles was so odd, I often just stared at them instead of replying. Other Omanis told me that I needed to “hold myself” and answer pleasantly. My pleas of “they are making my life miserable” were ignored. I was told if someone is actively attempting to hurt me, the only acceptable response is politeness.

Another example is when an Omani man insulted an Omani woman in front of over 20 people. I called him on it, he brushed it off and she insisted that she wasn’t bothered at all (as a way to assert her self-control).

A few days later he asked me if I had forgiven him; since he had shown no contrition I said, “No,” and he got mad at me. From his point of view, he had done a pro forma apology, therefore I needed to forgive him. I thought his action was deliberately malicious and felt no compunction to make peace.

My funniest example is once when I failed to stay calm, an Omani man who I did not know decided to teach me patience.

The Omani man was in an academic office, looking at a form he had filled out. I came in and sat down, waiting to talk to the clerk. The man asked the clerk some questions, then reread the form. He smiled at me and, when I did not smile back (as I was annoyed that he was fussing over an unimportant form), he reread the form again. Then he asked the clerk the same questions.

When he smiled at me a second time as I sat stony-faced, he got agitated and repeated the questions for a third time and reread the form yet again. The interaction was not going the way he wanted it to as I was not behaving properly (i.e. looking unbothered) and he could not end it comfortably until I smiled, expressing that I was at peace with his behavior. He had the right to pester the clerk with several iterations of the same questions and I should accept this right.

Finally, he left, but I did not start talking to the clerk as I was pretty sure what was going to happen. Within a minute, as expected, the man returned.

He had decided that he need to write his phone number at the top of the form. The clerk explained that his phone number was already on the form, but the man insisted on double-checking. So, the clerk handed the form over and the man wrote his phone number at the top, then asked the same questions he had asked before.

Then he looked at me and smiled for the third time. I know I was supposed to keep my dignity by responding in a way to show that “I am not bothered” but I simply stared at him. Finally, he stood up to leave, but before he reached the door, he turned back, pointed at me and said in Arabic, “She’s “za’lana (angry)”! I replied in Arabic that I was not za’lana, but he repeated, “za’lana! za’lana!” and laughed.

He had won the interaction. Although I didn’t say anything, I showed my lack of serence self-control by not smiling and acting as if I had all the time in the world while he reread the form.

* Omanis know that always keeping calm is impossible, so there is a corollary that if you see someone not up to the task, you need to step in, help create peace and never encourage anger or violence. Thus, there is an expectation that if two people start to yell at each other, everyone in the vicinity should work to separate and quiet them (unlike the American action of on-lookers creating a circle around the two opponents and yelling “fight, fight!”).