(photo by Onaiza Shaikh, Instagram: Onaiza_Shaikh)

A friend recently asked if I was planning to write about culture shock, I laughed and said, “that is all I write about.” And, as I have always avowed, the hardest part of culture shock is how to talk to people. You can adjust quickly enough to the clothes, food, meal times and public demeanor, but communicating is the real terror.

For example, in the States, age is off the table as factor in work conversations. Talking to a person who is older than you does not create a power differential.

Also, American conversations are like ping-pong, incessant back and forth. Someone gets in a comment and then it’s the other person’s serve. I keep forgetting that I am supposed to ask the question back!

After living for years with people who will tell you what they want to, when they want to – I am out of practice of asking questions. Now, someone will inquire, “How was your weekend?” and I say, “Fine, thanks.” Then five minutes later I remember that I was supposed to say, “How was yours?”

In Oman, the research guys and I would do endless repetitions of “how are you?” but no one really cared about the answer. If someone wanted to talk about their weekend, they would start in. And if they wanted to talk for 45 minutes, they would. I still remember the first time an Omani decided to tell me about their weekend: it was a 20-minute monolog. Don’t try that in USA.

This past week I watched a conversation in which one person was trying to explain how to do something and the other person kept interrupting to focus on just the data that they wanted. It was excruciating for me, but the two Americans were well-pleased with each other. One had taught and one had learned in a fencing-match style that was exhausting to listen to (no one finished a sentence!) but was exactly the kind of interaction they both expected and were ready for.

It’s accepted in America that people can pick their input. There’s an implied: I can choose what information you are giving me and I only have to pay attention to information that I think is relevant or important at this moment. For example, all those people moving through cityscapes while texting, missing when the walk sign lights up because they are looking at their phone.

In Oman, it’s more common to pay attention to surroundings and when dealing with people, you need to focus on their motivations as what you are hearing is less important than what you are seeing. For example, compliments were often meaningless, and often used to bring attention to a problem not convey something positive.

One example this week was that several people told me about a mysterious quirk in Google maps that showed up in relation to our work building which had been on-going for over a year. I figured out the reason within a day. I had the same data they did, but I was looking at it from the perspective of an outsider who was unused to navigating with apps. I always had to use my own knowledge to decide where I was walking/ driving.

Another example was when a person suggested a major change in one aspect of the work-flow as a certain delay was creating anxiety in one group of people. My suggestion was to reframe the issue for the anxious people. Don’t buy into their framework that the delay was a worrisome/ bothersome pause. Posit the delay was a beneficial and deliberate slowing down of the system to ensure everything was perfect before the data went live. The delay helps them from making mistakes. That kind of rethinking comes from years of living in Oman and being told (implicitly and explicitly) that I must always know what other people are thinking/ how they see the world so I figure out how I can best communicate with them.

So, I have skills in some areas, but I still need a lot of work in others . So… “How was your weekend?”

Culture Shock: The Land of Detachment and Toolboxes

Bumpy Reentry and Moral Dilemmas – Adjusting to Life in the States

Culture Shock: (Not) Being Under Observation

Culture Shock: The Basics