When reflecting about my conversation with the research guys [see: Ethnography: Conversations about Men/ Masculinity, part 1 ] a few themes emerged. First, I know Bristol-Rhys and Osella’s article (full cite below) and my discussion with the research guys is somewhat apples to oranges. I don’t know which questions were posed to elicit the answers discussed in the article. A conversation would go in very different directions if the opening query was: What is a man?, What is a good man?, What is the definition of an Emirati man?, or What should an Emirati man look like and do?

Also, I realized later that I had unconsciously hewed close to Dhofari cultural understandings by not asking about a ‘man’ (much less a ‘bad’ man) but focusing on a ‘good man’ as their conversations almost invariable focus on the positive; negative people or actions are not appropriate topics for discussions.

Given this, it is still interesting that there is a complete contrast between the Emirati answers with focus on appearance [clothing, beard, sandals, the people “he is seen to associate with in public” and looking “bored”] and the Omani answers which only mentioned one physical issue: that a man should sit up straight in the majlis. Further, there was a strong Omani emphasis that you can’t know anything about a man by looking at him, i.e. appearance tells you nothing of importance and even his speech can be deceiving.

This goes back to my first example in my first book which illustrates the Dhofari belief, especially prevalent among the qara tribes, that you can know a person for years but not know their true character. One’s personality is not an compared to the layers of an onion or mountains beyond mountains but is often completely unknowable. So people need to watch each other carefully. One of the worst things that can happen in a person you trust betrays you, so you need to always ready for that kind of surprise.

Another point was consistency of Omani understanding that good men control themselves. In my first book a man, who was not at the group discussion, called this “the quality of the bearable,” meaning the ability to handle your emotions and responsibilities. Thus, on this specific point, 7 men from 7 different tribes all explained the paramount importance of self-restraint.

I want to note that this is in contrast to other possibilities such as an understanding that a good man is strong and able to control others. There were no examples of commanding/ supervising/ managing other people, i.e. a good man has good children, a good man is in charge of people at his work or makes X group of people behave well.

All the Dhofari men I have talked to about this issue have explained that a good man acts politely, generously, helpfully and patiently with others. A good man is outward-oriented; he listens to the talk, he participates in the talk and in a majlis he is always aiming for the middle spot, avoiding both aloof and ingratiating behavior.

Also, it was interesting to me how the men lived out their opinions. For example, one of the research guys who is 15 years younger than me, X, had said that a good man will always respect those who are older than him and try to do their work for them. When we had finished the discussion, I got up and brought a container of cupcakes from my car, then I grabbed a box of Kleenex and started to walk around the circle as we were all sitting a little too far apart to easily hand the container from person to person. X jumped out of his chair and walked towards me with his hands out saying, “I will do this for you,” exactly as he has explained a younger person should act.

For all the differences, there is a broad, underlying similarity between Emirati and Omani responses: an understanding that as soon as you walk out of your house you are on display and may be judged. In the Emirates it seems this is more appearance-based, while in Oman this is more behavior-based.

Although I am not a Gulf, Arab man, I feel both those pressures intensely and when I go to my mom’s house in the summer, I celebrate the fact that I can go out in public without looking professional or constantly monitoring my surroundings. Sometimes when my mom asks if I want to go run errands, I make the freedom I feel explicit by saying, “Yes, let me just go put on a tank-top, long-sleeved sweater and a lined, tea-length skirt; get my hair up in a neat bun; use some anti-frizz spray; pencil in my eyebrows; put on lipstick, perfume and some jewelry…oh wait…I only need my sunglasses! Let’s go!”

In terms of behavior, I find myself scanning every café I go into, even in towns where I don’t know anyone, to make sure there is not as familiar face, as to fail to greet someone is very rude in Dhofar. And one slightly cranky older relative has benefited by my living in Oman because when the research guys heard me mention that this elder relative was a little difficult, I received repeated, lengthy, kindly admonishments to always show respect and never show impatience. When I am back in Oman after a visit I am quizzed on my behavior: Was I always polite and helpful to this relative? Did I always do what was asked of me? Did I always have a calm demeanor? Knowing I will face a gentle court of inquisition about my conduct makes it easier to live up to the expected standards.

article mentioned

Bristol-Rhys, Jane and Caroline Osella. 2016. “Neutralized Bachelors, Infantilized Arabs:  Between Migrant and Host Gendered and Sexual Stereotypes in Abu Dhabi,” in Masculinities Under Neoliberalism. Andrea Cornwall, Frank Karioris and Nancy Lindisfarne, eds. London: Zed.

related articles

Bristol-Rhys, Jane. 2009. “Emirati Historical Narratives.” History and Anthropology 20:2: 107-21.

—.  2007. “Weddings, Marriage and Money in the United Arab Emirates.” Anthropology of the Middle East 2.1: 20–36.

Bristol-Rhys, Jane and Caroline Osella. 2018. Contexts of Respectability and Freedom: Sexual Stereotyping in Abu Dhabi. New Diversities 20.2: 1-20.