I have a section on “attending funerals of co-workers” in Research and Working on the Arabian Peninsula (publication date: June 18, 2025). That is not a topic that shows up in a lot of “how to fit in at work in a new country” books, but it is necessary to know on the Arabian Peninsula as colleagues and neighbors are expected to visit a bereaved family.
To help people struggling with how to behave in such circumstances, AP cultures have solved the “what should I do or say when someone is in grief?” dilemma. There are clear religious and culture guidelines which are easy to know and easy to follow: show up, say good words, drink tea and leave. And it’s easy to know who you should do this for: any co-worker, friend or neighbor.
Your work place will send out condolence notices and if it is expected that co-workers pay condolence visits, all the details will be given to you. You will know when your neighbors are receiving visitors by the number of cars outside the house.
It does not matter what religion you are or how well you knew the person who died. Show up. Put on neutral/ dark clothes, walk into the house, say words of condolences, keep a calm demeanor, accept the cup of tea, take a sip, sit quietly and leave after 10-20 minutes.
The calm demeanor is key. One of the basic cultural understandings on the Arabian Peninsula is “don’t make emotional difficulties for anyone you are related to or are friend with.” You want to keep a calm exterior and help people who you are aligned with keep their calm exterior. In times of grief, this means be stoic to make it easier for the people around you.
When you see a friend/ co-worker/ neighbor who has been hit by a tragedy, don’t bring yourself into the sadness by crying and/or talking about something negative that happened to you – don’t make a person who is grieving comfort you.
Don’t try to memorize the correct Arabic/ Islamic saying, get it wrong, apologize for your mistake, say it again wrong and generally cause a spectacle as everyone jumps in to discuss your language usage. If you aren’t fluent in Arabic, say condolences in your language. It’s fine if use Latin or Klingon. The point is to stand in front of the chief mourner with an attitude of humble respect and quietly say something that sounds reverential, then go drink tea.
There is no perfect thing to say – there is no sentence in any language that can make the death of a beloved person easier to bear. So concentrate on not bothering the living. Don’t ask for anything particular to eat or drink; don’t comment on the food. If you are diabetic, be aware there will probably be a lot of sugar in the tea: raise the cup to your mouth, tilt it slightly without tasting anything and set it back down. Sitting in a respectful stillness for the next few minutes is all that is required of you.
In Islam, the mourning period is 3 days (see below) so if you see a co-worker back at work 4 days after a loss, give condolences if you didn’t go to their house and, even with the kindest intentions, do not suggest that they leave work or ask “it’s only been 4 days, why are you back ?”
A story – I went to give my condolences thinking that the right thing to wear was an abayah (long, black, shapeless cloak) and a sheila (black headscarf). I was the only woman in the room wearing black; everyone else was in dark/ muted thobes (housedresses) with lossis (cotton headscarves). I felt silly, but I did not say a word. If I apologized, then one of the people in mourning would have to try to make me feel better and my mistake was easily understood by anyone who saw me: the foreigner didn’t know what to wear.
As a hypothetical, if for some reason, I went to give condolences in a bright red dress, I would not speak about it to any of the family members, but I would explain myself to someone who was not directly affected, for example a neighbor. As many people come to give condolences (to make sure the immediate family is never alone and no bereaved person has to do basic things like grocery shopping), there are always extra people in the room. Explain to them, not the mourners.
The reasoning is: if you force mourners to forgive you for your mistake, you are forcing them to act as if they noticed your mistake. In a way, you are accusing them of paying attention to insignificant issues.
* In Islam, the mourning period is 3 days. For rulers, the period might be extended with various levels, for example for X days the government office and schools are closed; for Y days there will be only national music on radio stations; for Z days the flags will be at half-mast. Festivals and non-serious events (such as plays) might be canceled. On the Arabian Peninsula, a country’s ruler might declare 1, 2 or 3 days of mourning when another country’s ruler has died; this happened, for example, when Sheikh Zayed passed away. For a widow, the mourning period is four months and ten days during which time she should stay in her house and refrain from wearing bright colors, jewelry, perfume and make-up.
Practicalities of Moving to the Arabian Peninsula: Getting and Sending Mail/ Packages
Researching and Working on the Arabian Peninsula: Creating Effective Interactions
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Come From Away 
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